thirteen years of poison

have led me here

a prison of thought and of body

scratching these arms and legs covered

in invisible sickness

waiting for the wounds taking so long to heal

hoping i haven’t fallen too far

to feel forgiven

however brief my peace do not forget

i did this to myself

balancing weights

on my shoulder that bare the faces

of uncles and fathers like me

those who could barely handle their liquor

and those who couldn’t keep it

from handling them

ive been too trusting of my demons

thinking them badges of honor

heart tainted with fear, with ego

and me? 

untouched for many years

driving home with blurred eyes

migraines

and yet smarter than God

still hoping to slink away from these crimes

great disappointment repeats itself

in new ways

to humble this body

bring me to my knees before a court of one

a reflection

i have long thought too much of myself

the whispers of an unsettled mind

hauntings of truths i was unable to speak

listening back to recordings of slurred speech

blurred moments of night

scenes missing from the reel

laughing faces of strangers and friends

telling you

what you missed

the words of a wife

the questions from a child

waiting for the house to quiet

before diving into oceans

swimming in glasses

and tasting their fire

the archives of my true darkness

every page written before feels false

like shields, shattered on the floor

it hurts too much to wear these words

forgiveness of myself still out of reach

morning memories reintroduce the forgotten

it is mine to own

to carry forward

dream this peace into existence

put distance between those nights and now

every day is a choice made for good

not for rage, or bitterness

start counting the moments

free of the doubt

when the mind is clear

of the whispers and want

collect and wrap them

in resolve

replace every shadow with a light

until the dark is outnumbered

and the days

no longer hurt

the language.

the whispers in the water.

what i could never say.

The knuckles make the sickest sounds
imprints of bone
decorating our safe place
a letter detailing failure
to keep my shit together
against the wall i am everything
and nothing
conversation through collision
say my piece
away from the light
take calm steps back out
continue my performance
the taste of blood is brief on the tongue
small pain self inflicted
release the tension built
in the smallest bricks
tucked between repetition
and falling arrows of productivity
stack and save
count the days before escape
sleep tired
awaken drained
restart the clock
remembering what we’ve planned
hide away the desire for silence
that dreamt up place
far from the loudest of mouths
and their oceans of words
repeat
you told me my anger reminded you of home
in the worst ways
some days the chatter is so loud
i can only speak through fists
to whichever hard surface i choose my words for
it does little in the long run
but against the wall
i am everything
and i am nothing
it will always reveal
the weakness in my argument
sing to me
how frail these bones are
taste the blood
heal the holes in my skin
pray to keep it contained somehow
better than before
repeat
i may never find that place of peace
for long
it seems to leave when i think myself too good
to regress
here i remain
taking moments to scream into the dark
please don’t blame yourself
if i ever lose my grip
i could fill this house
with what i could never say
and smash it to pieces

a song for your sleeping

i think you found out about death too early

another mistake in my litany

what i would not give to keep your happiness 

yet the word is here in these pages

on our tongues

and the hours between sleep

shelter

and sing

your fingers move

across the keys of our piano

what can i do

to keep this fascination?

distract

lose races in sunlight to our shadows

paint patterns on boxes 

when we run out of canvas

there are some days 

when you forget the alphabet

and there are days when you act out

a policeman 

shooting your stuffed animals dead

my eyes too drawn

to see these pieces of innocence

wither

you’ve begun to have bad dreams

a safe place 

compromised 

how could i let that happen?

shelter

and sing

shelter

distract

and dance 

around the edges 

of this poison that may have taken me

i wish i could explain 

the right way

i play guitar not to lose myself

but to bring you to a place 

of peace

please stay and hear

this song for your sleeping

hear the notes in these chords

when your eyes are shut

hoping the mind crafts wonder

not fear